Wax Fang rules!

OK, I was on Wikipedia the other day and found out there was no entry for Wax Fang. Well there sure is now!

Wax Fang is a rock trio from Louisville, Kentucky, a commonwealth in the United States whose bourbon whisky and expansive underground systems of caves keep it from being known only for methamphetamine and horse turds.

Not much is known about Wax Fang’s recorded output, but photos posted on the web prove their presence at a recording session at Ardent Studios in Memphis, Tennessee. The band’s live performances are characterized by visually stunning cymbal playing and the use of guitar effects such as distortion and delay. Stylistically, Wax Fang lies somewhere between two theremins. At a 2007 show in Nashville, TN, Wax Fang made Mr. Grieves of seminal garage band The Clutters happy that he had gotten a haircut. Considering their sound, many listeners may find it surprising that the band cites influences as disparate as Neil Diamond and Brian Eno. In reality, one of their songs sounds kind of like Queen, but the rest of them are even worse.

Band History

The unique history of Wax Fang has been the subject of much debate among fans and quantum scientists. Though different theories abound, it is difficult to pinpoint exactly when Wax Fang formed because the members of the group originally met and began playing together in a time machine.

Before Wax Fang

The day before teaming up with Wax Fang in what will for purposes of this article be referred to as “2006 subcurrent B,” Kevin Ratterman (b. 1965) was playing drums in the 1980s under-the-radar heavy metal powerhouse Mess Hall, perhaps best remembered for their traditional show opener, “(Let’s All Head to the) Mess Hall (Show).” Ratterman was regarded by colleagues in the Los Angeles, Illinois heavy metal scene as something of an untrustworthy braggart, having claimed for years that the magazine Modern Drummer was named after him.

Bassist Jake Heustis (real name Bizzy McThrusstin, b. 1970) founded the band Groinpull in 1993 after moving to Seattle from Tumbleweed, Oklahoma. Groinpull became an immediate fixture of the Seattle grunge scene, and could regularly be seen turning tricks for L7 and moving Gruntruck’s equipment. Bizzy changed his name after finding out in 2006 subcurrent B that people hadn’t had names like that since 1988.

Singer/guitarist Scott Carney has perhaps the most intriguing back story of the group, having burst spontaneously into existence at the precise moment of John Davis’s religious awakening in 2003. This phenomenon is held to be the single greatest unexplained mystery in rock music, with the exception of mainstream music critics’ continuing admiration for the music of Nirvana.

Wax Fang Today

According to the Jack Daniels Tennessee Sour Mash Whisky Co., Wax Fang currently represents the very best of today’s indie (rock) music. Rumors have been circulated that the band is shopping a finished album called “Wax and Wayne” to several major American record labels. If these efforts are successful, it stands to reason that the Jack Daniels Co. will have to reword their characterization of the band.

Wax Fang currently plays in Nashville, Tennessee once every month to thunderous applause from the music writers of the local alternative weekly paper. They plan to spend the summer of 2007 supporting My Morning Jacket on a tour of the United States.

Allright, all you dicks who complain at me late on a Friday about “no updates for three weeks on taytyme.” You wanna read something new every damn day? Go start your own blog. Good luck trying to impress yourself after reading this shit, though. Not even your wife digs your jokes, and you don’t want to know how I know that. This tyme on taytyme: the Gossip Hour.

According to well-placed sources, even The Doors think the worst band ever is Faces. Don’t get big on yourself though, Mr. Manzarek. X ain’t about to lessen taytyme’s wrath on you!

Service at the Alley Cat is oppressively slow as always, but the waitrettes are still hotter than a jalapeño bread bowl at Chili’s!

Tastemaker Dean Bratcher has two Vinnie Vincent records and no KISS records, and that’s why he thinks he’s a better person than most people.

If you’ve lost something, check out the full-ass trunk of Toots McGruder’s party wagon before you waste time retracing your steps. It’s got literally everything. I once saw a wheelchair rider find the ability to walk in there! Here’s a list of the shit that’s on top (you gotta dig for anything else): one Mexican blanket, a pair of galoshes, an authentic Desert Storm uniform, two tubes of Ritz crackers packaged with sliced meat and cheese products, a poorly concealed Penthouse Forum stash (every issue from the 1985-1987 “So I was just sitting there in traffic when…” era), a variety pack of Axe body spray, an abacus, half a failed prototype bottle of “Bill Boner’s Cumberland Brand Whiskie Drink”, and one Benjamin Franklin style swimming costume (used).

Pot is pretty much back in style.

Everybody’s best friend The Snuggler hasn’t bought a guitar in 2 weeks! If you’re selling, now’s the time. I bet he’s jonesin’ something fierce to spend and spend big!

Kenny Christmas got busy with a bartender (it was “not” Jake from The Clutters) in the break room at the Bluegrass Inn, and now he’s got a spot opening up for an industry networking session every third Monday. Go cheer that little dude on and land yourself an entry-level position at BMI!

Speaking of an entry-level position, is there any sexual peccadillo that Larry J. Slimfast hasn’t thought of, tried, perfected, and dismissed? Man, that guy’s hornier than a trial lawyer at a Jagermeister-soaked speed boat race!

Have you heard about P. Jiddy’s new nemesis? Me neither! What’s up with that shit?

Matt Moody: still taller than you, and with more beard than a Republican congressman from San Francisco.

Looks like your favorite ex-patriot Tucker has taken to trolling internet websites for love. Good luck, boy-cut!

The guy from De Novo Dahl is still pretty unfamiliar looking. Go figure!

And hey, has anybody seen James lately?

Oh, oh, oh, only time will tail what the coming days hold for the residents of taytown. In the mean tyme, got anybody you want to out this week? Stick it to ‘em in the comments, byitches! Peace! (Happy Easter.)