Allright, all you dicks who complain at me late on a Friday about “no updates for three weeks on taytyme.” You wanna read something new every damn day? Go start your own blog. Good luck trying to impress yourself after reading this shit, though. Not even your wife digs your jokes, and you don’t want to know how I know that. This tyme on taytyme: the Gossip Hour.
According to well-placed sources, even The Doors think the worst band ever is Faces. Don’t get big on yourself though, Mr. Manzarek. X ain’t about to lessen taytyme’s wrath on you!
Service at the Alley Cat is oppressively slow as always, but the waitrettes are still hotter than a jalapeño bread bowl at Chili’s!
Tastemaker Dean Bratcher has two Vinnie Vincent records and no KISS records, and that’s why he thinks he’s a better person than most people.
If you’ve lost something, check out the full-ass trunk of Toots McGruder’s party wagon before you waste time retracing your steps. It’s got literally everything. I once saw a wheelchair rider find the ability to walk in there! Here’s a list of the shit that’s on top (you gotta dig for anything else): one Mexican blanket, a pair of galoshes, an authentic Desert Storm uniform, two tubes of Ritz crackers packaged with sliced meat and cheese products, a poorly concealed Penthouse Forum stash (every issue from the 1985-1987 “So I was just sitting there in traffic when…” era), a variety pack of Axe body spray, an abacus, half a failed prototype bottle of “Bill Boner’s Cumberland Brand Whiskie Drink”, and one Benjamin Franklin style swimming costume (used).
Pot is pretty much back in style.
Everybody’s best friend The Snuggler hasn’t bought a guitar in 2 weeks! If you’re selling, now’s the time. I bet he’s jonesin’ something fierce to spend and spend big!
Kenny Christmas got busy with a bartender (it was “not” Jake from The Clutters) in the break room at the Bluegrass Inn, and now he’s got a spot opening up for an industry networking session every third Monday. Go cheer that little dude on and land yourself an entry-level position at BMI!
Speaking of an entry-level position, is there any sexual peccadillo that Larry J. Slimfast hasn’t thought of, tried, perfected, and dismissed? Man, that guy’s hornier than a trial lawyer at a Jagermeister-soaked speed boat race!
Have you heard about P. Jiddy’s new nemesis? Me neither! What’s up with that shit?
Matt Moody: still taller than you, and with more beard than a Republican congressman from San Francisco.
Looks like your favorite ex-patriot Tucker has taken to trolling internet websites for love. Good luck, boy-cut!
The guy from De Novo Dahl is still pretty unfamiliar looking. Go figure!
And hey, has anybody seen James lately?
Oh, oh, oh, only time will tail what the coming days hold for the residents of taytown. In the mean tyme, got anybody you want to out this week? Stick it to ‘em in the comments, byitches! Peace! (Happy Easter.)
posted by taytyme @ 7:06 PM
24 Comments:
that's trolling for action...but, dykey-lookin' straight bitches need love too.
now THAT'S what i'm talking about Tay.. not so hard, eh?!?
Lookey dook, damn Josh has has just outed himsrelf! (We've known, dude.)
isn't the piccadilly a buffet restaurant? and i don't know about josh but i know that new waitress in the alley cat is gay. i asked her if she was sure she wanted my pants (turns out she said 'cans') and she said she "was nowhere near drunk enough for that."
"OH, SNAP!"
Irony abounds at the 'cat, Larry J! Listen to this shit. The other day I asked that same waitress for an Espolon Silver--neat, of course, no training wheels for me-- and and she told me that she was "no where near horny enough for that."
which brings me to my haiku of the week,"Remembrances of the Glory Days of the Alley Cat":
At the Alley Cat,
faster than my drink arrives,
Larry J scores tail.
(haiku)
"DUBBLE SNAP!"
DUBBLE SHIT-SNAPPPPP!
there once was a girl from ol' brooklyn
who ate dick when no one was lookin'
she started with one
but had so much fun
that now it's all she has cookin'
There once was a "ladies man"
Who came up with a master plan
He thought he could please us
Because he looked like Jesus
But the Alley Cat girl ain't a fan.
My turn!!
A fellow named Larry J Slimfast
Was well-known for the finding of trim fast
He's seen less a'titty
Than Dean of Falls City
But seems to be gaining on him fast!
props to Snuggs for rhyming fast with fast and fast.
Snuggs is an efficient poet too!
What Snuggs meant was:
A fellow named Larry J Slimfast
Was well-known for the finding of trim fast
He's seen less a'titty
Than Dean of Falls City
But seems to be gaining on him fast!
(limerick)
Though far away in New York City,
She gave my poor rhyming no pity.
You won't hear me saying
"Good Burn!" But I'm paying
Some props back, my n-word P-Jiddy!
(limerick)
One last Larry J. poem--
At work staring at my computer
I get a call from Toots McGruder.
We both agree Larry
has gotten quite hairy,
But he's still a suitable suitor!
(haiku)
Dear Snuggler,
My most sincere props. whoop, whoop.
-PJ.
I've always thought of Larry as more of a pootable pooter.
As a close personal friend I can say that Larry J. likes cootable cooter.
Hmmph.
I like to think of myself as a tootable tooter.
Dear Taytyme:
Speaking of industry networking, here's an opportunity for aspiring would-be's to get discovered: David Frizzell is filming a music video for a song he recorded, "Water Makes Her Clothes Stay On," at the Scoreboard this Wednesday (4/18). The schedule for the shoot goes like this: 7:30 pm - David Frizzell with Crowd, then 8 pm to 11 pm - Club Crowd Scenes with Comedy Skits. Anyone want to car pool?
Sincerely,
Kenny Christmas
Gosh, Kenny. That sounds familiar. Is he related to David Allen Coe? It does sound like a great place to meet folks. I really should go, if only to score some of that sweet country poon. Unfortunately, I have plans that night to watch the CMT 2007 Music Awards on video tape with a few friends. None of us have cable, so we have to wait until the pirated videos start showing up for sale in the bathroom of Dan McGuiness Irish Pub. It'll cost a pretty penny, but it's worth it to be able to get in on the watercooler comentary with the other award show Monday morning quarterbacks before the week is over.
I didn't know where else to go with this scoop, so I thought I'd bring it here. Turns out the Kroger is a great place for spotting celebrities, I saw Martina McBride. She had on lots of make-up. And, she had her hair down -- her hair DOWN I tell you!
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