An open letter to The Falls City Angels

Hola, amigos! (A Spanish phrase meaning, "I live here.") Well, another weekend has come and gone, so it's time to talk about the previous weekend's Springwater excursion. Is that confusing? I'm talking not about the weekend whose hangover you are currently nursing, but the one before that. I know, it's like how you get paid next week for work you did in the pay-period that ended last week, and you can't figure out what the hell your check means so you either act complacent and keep getting high before work or you raise hell just in case somebody's trying to fuck you. Allow me to preface with a question. Can The Fall City Angels be out-rocked?

Men, the 'Water had it all last Saturday: hard rock and girls gone wild. That's really all you need, right? I mean, give Taytyme hard rock and a couple of girls showing their boobs and he feels completely at home. You know what time it is when shit like that goes down? Its taytyme. But seriously. Quit trying to get me side-tracked, dude. The question was whether or not The Falls City Angels could be out-rocked. I'm afraid the answer is yes. Yes, they can be (out-rocked). Actually, if The Falls City Angels play a show with Rufus Fontain and Valiant Thorr, they can get their ass kicked.

Here are a few recommendations that I have for the Angels after close observation of the work of Rufus Fontain and Valiant Thorr. Falls City, listen up and never be embarrassed on your home turf again.

1) Look more like a motorcycle gang (possibly join MS13). The members of Valiant Thorr wore matching denim vests with big Valiant Thorr patches on the backs. Thanks to this, they were able to quickly recognize each other as bandmates. They also started their set turned around backwards so the audience knew which band they were. Heaven forbid that you rock the shit out of a place only to be mistakenly identified as LYLAS.

2) If the audience seems hesitant to approach the stage, frighten them with a folding chair. Next, stand on the chair, look at the floor, raise your arms, and wordlessly beckon the crowd to you. They will say, "Fuck all other bands, it is time for Valiant Thorr." Hopefully they will say the correct name of your band instead of Valiant Thorr.

3) Talk about the three things that you hate. For example, Valiant Thorr hates Bankruptcy ("that's your fault"), Nature-uptcy ("there's nothing you can do about that"), and Cover-uptcy ("I think you know what I'm talking about").

4) Be more bad-ass than anything in the world. Valiant Thorr has this one down, man.

4) Like Rufus Fontain, allow only Tom to be your myspace friend. This makes you look exclusive and gives fans the impression that telling you how well you played after a show is something they will never forget.

5) Also like Rufus Fontain, purchase a wireless setup for everyone in your band. This way, guitar solos can emanate from the middle of the crowd. You could even walk to the bar in the middle of a song and get yourself another beer instead of asking someone else to do it for you.

6) Drink from a gas can that says "Rock-it Fuel." Remember to freely admit that it's just water, though. This ain't 1987, dude.

7) Install smoke machines and lights that flash in time with the drums in the bottom half of your stacks.

8) And for God's sake, put your foot up on the monitor more, Lance. You look like some kind of queer whose balls don't sweat when he plays guitar. Let 'em breathe, brother!