…Or Whatever Comes My Way

Hello, friends. My name is Toots McGruder, and I am this week’s guest contributor to Taytyme. You know me currently only as a commenter on all things Tay, but in the spirit of full disclosure, I must confess that Tay and I occasionally share an adult beverage together, and we sometimes perform late night jams consisting of Tay’s favorite musical hits from his youth (for example, you might remember the Bay City Rollers classic “The Fox is Loose”). Anyways, here’s my story:

In my occupation, I perform inspections on new home construction. In laymen’s terms, that means I look at people’s shit and say “Yay”, “Nay”, or sometimes, “Tay.” One recent morning, a homeowner walked out and started talking at Toots. He was a lanky, older, pony-tailed gentleman with a voice like a canary, and I immediately said to myself, “Toots, this dude performs tunes for a living.” He invites me in to talk about his business, and I reluctantly oblige. Sure enough, I notice out of the corner of my eye a room filled with musical instruments and I quietly high five myself. Right again, Toots! After brief conversation, this dude – hereafter referred to as “Shakes The Dude” – hands me his business card, which is completely useless to me. I read the card, and in the top left corner, it says “Steppenwolf, Inc.”

I instantly felt violated, because I realized I was being Richard Marx-ed. For those of you in the unawares, to be Richard Marx-ed is to be approached by a faux-celebrity and/or rock n’ roll ghost, and then having it insisted upon that you recognize his existence. Steppenwolf, eh? Not bad, not bad ’tall. But since Toots don’t play that shit, I remained quiet. Shakes was visibly upset that I was not acknowledging who the fuck I was talking to.

So there’s a little bit of back and forth, and it becomes obvious that Shakes will refuse to shut his cocksucker until this me-recognizing-he’s-in-steppenwolf business is resolved. After a few minutes of tense negotiations on how he’s going to get me to realize just who in the hell he is, Shakes breaks down and finally asks me, “Do you like rock n’ roll music?” I say, “Fuck yeah, Shakes, bring it on.” I stop myself from asking the next obvious question, which is “Do you wanna jam?” I do not ask this question because I know Shakes’ answer will undoubtedly be “Yes,” and what would follow could only lead to certain disaster. I keep quiet, and Shakes sneaks off into a secret room. He quickly returns with an Official Steppenwolf Digital Video Disc and hands it to me. “Here,” he says, “take this. That doesn’t look like me on the back, but I promise you, it is.” I peruse the cover of this Steppenwolf product, and I see a picture of a man that is obviously Shakes. As a matter of fact, it is a photograph of Shakes playing what cannot be mistaken for anything other than a keytar. A quick look-see of the packaging reveals that the DVD contains the hits “Magic Carpet Ride”, “Heavy Metal Thunder” (mistakenly referred to on the cover as “Born To Be Wild”), and the all-time great Steppenwolf hit “Snowblind Friend.”

I was a little dizzy from what had just been laid on my table, so I got the fuck outta there. I gave my thanks for the treasure, grabbed my shit, and headed out the door. As I backed out of the driveway, I realized that I’d forgotten to ask for an autograph. Fuck my shitter! Who’s going to believe that I got this from Shakes himself, and that it’s not some unopened Christmas present from my drunk granny Skillet McGruder, who probably stole it from some homeless fellow in Sri Lanka? Well listen here, you sonofabitch, I’m telling the truth, and there is no greater truth than Toots’ truth!

So, the point of this story is not that you should shower me with accolades after my brief (yet glorious) brush with rock n’ roll royalty. Well, that’s part of it, but not all of it. The real question is, which one of yous is gonna buy this DVD on E-bay, so Toots and Tay can get a motherfucking drink?