Toe Up

Look, I'm a flip-flop wearer. Call me a hippie or a parrothead if you must (that's what they call fans of Jimmy Buffet? Don't you think "Buffeteers" would be better? Oh my jesus- I have to tell you this other story. So I saw someone else's PT Cruiser the other day in downtown Franklin - that's a long story, too - and this is one of those Cruisers that's all dolled up with flames painted on it and shit. Its black and all the designs are painted in silver, like a PT Cruiser from the future that can fly and shoot lasers at the Chevy HHR. There were like little silver waves and little silver margaritas painted into the flames on the doors and in front of the windshield, which you didn't notice until you got up close. I naturally started looking around excitedly for the owner, wondering just what business Sammy Hagar had in downtown Franklin today. Then I saw it: totally out of place, scotch-taped to the inside of the back passenger window of this person's extravagant dune buggy, was a piece of computer paper with a clip-art salt shaker on it that read, "LOST: ONE SHAKER OF SALT. IF FOUND, PLEASE RETURN."). I like knowing that at a moment's notice I can be barefoot. You can walk in grass and dip your feet in fountains, and get naked faster than you could if you were wearing shoes. And you just plain can't make flip-flops (which my dad calls "thongs" !?!) smell as bad as shoes.

Here's the thing though: you can't wear flip-flops when you go out to a place. They're chillin-on-the-block shoes. If you wear them to a restaurant or club, you'll get stepped on, pee will get on your feet, and you'll look stupid. Why do I know this? Because I got stuck without real shoes in a situation where I had to go out "dancing" with my sister and her friends! I didn't know we were going to do that! I would have planned ahead! And what happened? I broke my fucking toe on an invisible stair! (I also burned my thumb and hit my head REALLY hard on the Cruiser, but that shit was my own fault.)