Ah, people who watch TV shows, and not in DVD versions! They're good people to have around because they know what's going on and they have opinions you can steal. Like the other night when I was talking to Rock Commando and the Missus about the show Rock Star: Supernova. (His Missus, ladies. Not mine. I'm all kinds of unattached. My phone number is 483-5938, and I am a total sweetheart.) Though they claim to think the show blows, they seem to watch it with a regular infrequency. "So what blows about it," I asked, "besides the whole concept and everything?"

"The singers are so bad!"

"Yeah," I said, "that's TV. They can't have twelve or however many contestants all be good, because viewers would get turned off by seeing good people lose every week. They can only have like three or four good contestants. That way we only have to watch a few good people lose; we can take drama, but only for a couple of weeks at the end of the season. The rest of the show has to be comedy and comeuppance. You suck, get out of here! Who the fuck do you think you are, all trying to sing!"

RC Cola replied, "No dude, that's just it: they're all bad. They couldn't find anybody to audition for that shitty band. Who wants to sing for those dudes? Its not INXS or somebody people have heard of, its three douches that nobody cares about. Seriously, who would audition for that band?"

I thought for a moment. "But is it really the three dudes? I agree that they're douches all, but I have to assume the real problem is Gilby Clarke. Everybody knows Tommy Lee. People love that guy. And Jason Newstead? People don't know him as a dude, but they dig hearing that he was the bass player in the popular version of Metallica. Nobody even knows he was a replacement! Gilby, however, is only known to folks like us, who argue about whether Wayne Evans or Tommy Aldridge was the better fit for Black Oak Arkansas. Gilby was never in Guns n Roses when they were popular. Not even when they were popular and terrible. He was in GNR when they were terrible and unpopular. So what we need to do is make a list of the five most likely better candidates for Gilby's position."

The rules? Candidates have to lack integrity almost entirely, and either kind of need the money or just be publicity hounds. You know, they have to be the kind of people who would go on a reality show. Slash for instance is out of the question, but Dave Navarro would be perfect if he wasn't already the host of the show. It took an hour of heated arguing, but we made the list, put the dudes in order, and taped the list to the fridge. Cheers!



1) C.C. DeVille



2) The Nuge



3) Ace Frehley



4) Jerry Cantrell



5) John McEnroe

Livebloggin' Blues, turkey

Cosmopolitans, how are you? Good. OK, so what follows is the actual live blog-on-the-spot that I did from the Nashville airport last week. I just wrote and saved it in Word because I didn't have my little wireless antenna. I am the four-tracker of computers, brothers.

And of fucking.



Oh my god you will call me a liar but you will be motherfucking wrong. Can you guess where Taytyme is, and whether or not he is tipsy? The answer is the airport, and quite! But that's not the thing, in and of itself. The real thing is that I am currently, right now, as we speak, sitting next to a dude I saw on Elimidate a few weeks ago. NO SHIT. I know its him because his episode was filmed in Nashville. They went to the Trace and NV. He is the type of dude who speaks with a British accent, probably because he's from there originally. He lives in Nashville and makes money as a tennis instructor. On the show he was the dude that picks one out of the four girls, and he wisely went for the randiest one. Right now he's talking to a couple in their late 40s (big dude, hot Asian catalog wife) about world traveling, property in New Zealand, the sheep farm and dairy on said property, and Europe's most annoying airports. Oh, those Customs agents in Venice! HA! But seriously, it is totally him.

I'm a magnet for this type of stuff. Last tyme I went airporting, I stood in the security line behind Naomi Campbell. Or somebody like that. It was a famous hot black woman, anyway.

Kept you waiting again, crusaders! Oops! But check it out- Taytyme is in New York City! New York City? Yeah, dudes! Where they make the salsa! I've been so busy telling every fool in town how to fly right and be cool that I've had little time to sit and ruminate, OMG J/K LOL!

Got to get back to it, bros!

taytyme

Sorry, airybody! I'm sure you've been more than a little worried, what with two Mondays having passed and no Taytyme for miles. Let me put your questions to rest: no, no, yes, twenty-two, no, not applicable, spina bifida, channel 8, Ricky VAN Shelton.

So what's been going on? For Taytyme its been about a day's worth of painful constipation followed by a second day of merely uncomfortable constipation. Seriously! "But Tay," you say, "you're the very picture of pooping efficiency!" All I can say is that I'm flattered, but don't believe everything you hear out there. Yeah, I'm pretty regular and pretty proud of it, but its not really that big a deal to me. Check it out: I mainly eat fruits and vegetables, with fish once a week or something. I certainly enjoy the random beef product, but only when shaped like a hotdog. That all being said, here comes a “however.” In an inhuman (remember that show INHUMANOIDS?) effort to take one for Uncle Sam, I ingested nothing but beef, beef, whisky, beer, beef, and a pizza over the course of three days. That shit did me wrong, man. I'm afraid of Professional Laxatives, so I've been sticking to coffee and cigarettes to - as a neighbor put it - "soften it up." David Sedaris said that as a high school-aged gay person he spent like 20 days in Greece without ever pooping (by choice, and I can't say that I blame him). I had a three-day odyssey of the same sort in Boston once, but it was just weird, not uncomfortable. So anyway, that's what's up.