Ah, people who watch TV shows, and not in DVD versions! They're good people to have around because they know what's going on and they have opinions you can steal. Like the other night when I was talking to Rock Commando and the Missus about the show Rock Star: Supernova. (His Missus, ladies. Not mine. I'm all kinds of unattached. My phone number is 483-5938, and I am a total sweetheart.) Though they claim to think the show blows, they seem to watch it with a regular infrequency. "So what blows about it," I asked, "besides the whole concept and everything?"

"The singers are so bad!"

"Yeah," I said, "that's TV. They can't have twelve or however many contestants all be good, because viewers would get turned off by seeing good people lose every week. They can only have like three or four good contestants. That way we only have to watch a few good people lose; we can take drama, but only for a couple of weeks at the end of the season. The rest of the show has to be comedy and comeuppance. You suck, get out of here! Who the fuck do you think you are, all trying to sing!"

RC Cola replied, "No dude, that's just it: they're all bad. They couldn't find anybody to audition for that shitty band. Who wants to sing for those dudes? Its not INXS or somebody people have heard of, its three douches that nobody cares about. Seriously, who would audition for that band?"

I thought for a moment. "But is it really the three dudes? I agree that they're douches all, but I have to assume the real problem is Gilby Clarke. Everybody knows Tommy Lee. People love that guy. And Jason Newstead? People don't know him as a dude, but they dig hearing that he was the bass player in the popular version of Metallica. Nobody even knows he was a replacement! Gilby, however, is only known to folks like us, who argue about whether Wayne Evans or Tommy Aldridge was the better fit for Black Oak Arkansas. Gilby was never in Guns n Roses when they were popular. Not even when they were popular and terrible. He was in GNR when they were terrible and unpopular. So what we need to do is make a list of the five most likely better candidates for Gilby's position."

The rules? Candidates have to lack integrity almost entirely, and either kind of need the money or just be publicity hounds. You know, they have to be the kind of people who would go on a reality show. Slash for instance is out of the question, but Dave Navarro would be perfect if he wasn't already the host of the show. It took an hour of heated arguing, but we made the list, put the dudes in order, and taped the list to the fridge. Cheers!



1) C.C. DeVille



2) The Nuge



3) Ace Frehley



4) Jerry Cantrell



5) John McEnroe