Weekend Forum

Now I know as well as you that you tune into taytyme for two reasons: to find out what's on my mind and then to find out how what's on my mind is gonna play out once I set to elocuting. Trust me, I'm pretty impressed by it too. Shit, I probably read taytyme even more often than you do. In fact, about the only thing I like better than taytyme is a good old-fashioned hangin'.

Now I don't want to scare away potential new readers by turning over the reigns to some rank-ass amatuers, but I'd be willing to pose a question for your own pondering maybe just this once. So the band Squeeze, okay? They are totally good except for this one terrible member who plays the keyboards. The era gives the dude a little leeway on some of the ridiculous sounds he used, but his actual parts are SO BAD that they pretty much ruin the songs. (I know they went through two keyboarders over the course of a few records, but they both sucked so bad that its not even worth mentioning their names. I'd rather just refer to the pair of them as one big shitty problem.) If you could get a Squeeze record with all the keyboards muted, you'd have evidence of an amazing band. What I'm asking you to do is come up with other bands that are super good with the exception of one member who sabotages them at every turn. Okay? GO!

You bastards are in for it.

Dudes, Brad Baker from the End did not write "Night Train." I can't take people telling me this bullshit anymore. Look at the record sleeve! Provide me any single source besides Brad himself or a dude Brad talked to about his involvement! Any source! I could be persuaded that Brad went to a party thrown by GNR and helped them steal purses for heroin, but that's the extent. Maybe they were rocking the song and he was like, "dudes, how about 'feeling like a space brain?' Huh?" That's hardly "writing the song." Come on, I fix Ryan's songs all the tyme, but I don't go around telling everyone that they're my songs. The little guy just needs help. Lots of very serious help.

So, next guy that tells me shit about Brad that I don't believe does not leave the bar alive, K?

Some for real keen observation stirred up with a few kick-ass comparative genre skills

Well this is more like it: its taytyme, ladies and other ladies. So I'm way behind the curve on talking shit about How I Became the Bomb (well, at least in the land of self-publishing). Have you seen their video on weownthistown? Ding Dong if they don't sound like Ned's Atomic Dustbin! I tell you what: there was a time that it wasn't too embarassing when someone found "Godfodder" in your cd box. (Holy shit, I just got that joke after fifteen years. I am slower than Rocky Balboa in the Rocky II cue-card-reading scene.) That time was brief. Then it became pretty clear that very few details separated Ned's from EMF (they're crumbalievable), Jesus Jones (who you better have hated from day one, you preppy fucks), and the "long-forgotten suicide comandos." Here's a good man-on-the-street question for Realitay Tee-Vay: How many members of How I Became the Bomb have "Kill Your Television" stickers on their station wagons?

The real issue surrounding How I Became the Bomb is their legions of female fans and the dudes who want to do them (the fans, not the band - I am implying nothing about the singer's dance moves). When asked what's so great about the How I Became the Bomb experience, fans say with regularity that they sound like the eighties. Detractors often compare them to "eighties rip-off bands like the Killers." Isn't it funny how kids today think that bands who sound like shitty early nineties bands are mimicking the eighties? Do you wonder if they think "Lucky Star" is Disco?

Now, no offense to the Bomb for sounding like Ned's. I'm not saying they're a Ned's rip-off. They may not even know Ned's. Shit, according to people in their mid-30s, my band sounds like tons of bands that I've never listened to. But I sure hope those bands are cooler than Ned's Atomic Dustbin.

New Chapter Available Today!

Sorry, dudes. Look. I don't work in an office, so I have a significant disadvantage to real blogfolks. That being said, my shit always turns out better than theirs so who cares if it only shows up every two weeks, right?

Oh my GAWD, did the False Titty Angels make it right! You may remeber what fools they were made by Valient Thorr and Rufus Fontaine earlier this year. I'd link you to that post, but all I know how to do is type words. Anyway, last Sunday the Alley Cat was transformed into the firey pits of hell by the eight-dicked demon that is THE FALLS CITY ANGELS JUBILEE! Those evil bastards sounded like the damn Melvins on speed, I tell you! Holy crap! If they had one more dude playing the same power chord I think they might have birthed a black hole. Durango Sweetmeat's (AKA Alvo Zenith's) cracked ride shook the very sewers of the east side, and the inexorable Dupree Beauxchamp's roto-tomming put Alex Van Halen right in the fucking ground. After the show, a dude went up to the gang's - they are a real gang, dude - leader Ft. Lauderdale Smith, and told him that the Angel's set "made his heart happy." Smith became enraged, proclaiming that it was "supposed to make it hurt, supposed to make it burn when you pee!" Damn. I got the fuck out of there right then, dude.

So here's the challenge. To truly claim the title that is rightly theirs, the Falls City Angels have to show up unannounced to the Springwater on August 12 and kick the shit out of Cokedick Motorcycle Awesome. Not battle-of-the-bands style, riot-style. Trust me, those dudes have it coming.